I don't even know

Is it normal to stay friends with someone you hate?

Great.

My mind has felt like one of those balls at the mall that splat on the ground and reshape, except mine is broken and not reforming. It got stuck. How're you?

I miss writing on this blog. I've been reblogging on tumblr in between trials of my sanity. Is stress-induced stress a thing? Because I have that. 

I honestly would be writing more on this blog, but I'm so busy. Poor excuse, I know. I also have no idea what to write about. It's hard to rack up an audience if you can't think of decent things to post. 

I have so many post drafts. There's like 8 or 9. I just didn't like them. It's not easy. How did Grace Helbig do it for like 5 years on her dailygrace channel? 

Unfortunately, since the last time I've posted, I didn't even grow. I'm still 5'5". How am I not taller yet. What the fuck. I've been through all of puberty except for the part where I grow up and not out. This is not okay. The only things that have grown are my dependency on others and my fashion sense. I bought a Christmas sweater last week. 

Chicagoland went from winter to summer in the last week. We left spring back in the 20th century before we had major global warming issues. 

How To Be Creative : An 8 Step Process

Step 1: Sit down, and get rid of distractions. You need to focus!

Step 2: Think of things people would find interesting. Usually, I am wrong about this.

Step 3: Formulate a possible outcome that can match this public-pleasing idea.

Step 4: Try.

Step 5: Realize.

Step 6: Moan in agony

Step 7: Lie face-down on the floor

Step 8: Scream

How about a joke to spice up the post

What do you call a cow in sixth grade

an Emoo

hahahahaha

hahahahahahhahaha

What is black and white and red all over

the feeling of pain in the mind of a person who is hypersensitive to color

haha

i have work to do but im procrastinating

that's really cool!

Bye.

Kyle

Brief Update!!

Hi so yes, it's been a few weeks! I know!

Reviving this blog meant there wasn't going to be regularly scheduled posts. And it's actually really hard to think of decent ideas that you can get at least a few paragraphs about. I'm just kind of at a loss for ideas. When I have an idea I'll write about it. 

If any of you have any recommendations or any topic you'd like me to cover I'll try my best to cover it. Comment below and I'll be sure to see it. :)

I really enjoy writing on this blog every once in a while. Apparently there are people who enjoy reading it too so thats pretty cool. Thank you!

-Kyle

Romance and Advice on Love and Relationships

Hey guys, what's up? 

So I've been thinking a lot lately. I am in high school, and I've never dated anyone, nor have I even gotten hints of someone liking me as more than a friend. And I'm perfectly okay with that! 

Since middle school, I've just not understood dating. In middle school, basically dating is hanging out with someone more than usual, with maybe some awkward hugs or hand-holding in private. Freshman year, dating is similar, but you go to like the mall, or for kids at my school, go to the downtown area, or whatever. It's usually in groups. Then once you start driving, you can actually go on dates, and your mother doesn't have to chauffeur you around. The only problem is whether or not you have money and/or a job.  

And I've gotten to a time where people have their licenses, and people have jobs, and people actually go on dates. I have friends who've been in semi-long-term relationships. And because of all of the mushy romance happening around me, and especially with Valentine's Day approaching, dating doesn't seem so alien to me. But, it's not because I want to go out on dates and spend all my money on other people, not that I care to have a first kiss that isn't on a stage, and definitely not because I'm thinking of marriage.

Quite honestly, dating and romance and sex and love is overrated. I'd rather eat the Valentine's Day chocolate and wait for the Cadbury Mini-Eggs to start to appear in stores. My fat, middle-school-self still shows up every Spring. 

Because of Valentine's Day coming up, a single, virgin, straight, white boy who has only kissed on-stage is going to give you genuine advice on love and relationships. 

1. You are more than a significant other. You do not need one to be happy. The only thing they're absolutely necessary for is reproduction.
2. Similarly, that whole "you're my other half" bullshit is not worth your time. You are your own, entire person, and you don't need someone else, who has the tendency to tear you apart emotionally, to fulfill you. 
3. Don't let people talk shit about your goals in life! I don't want children! And marriage is a coin-toss! I get shit for having contrasting views to a majority! You don't need a romantic partner to have love in your life! That's what pets are for!
4. Don't be anyone but yourself. This is a very broad piece of advice. On a date, do. not. lie. about. things. you. like. just. to. relate. to. your. date. Because if you continue to date, you're going to either (a), get caught in the lie, or (b) have to pretend until you break it off. This advice could also be taken as don't go on dates with guys if you like vaginas. Or vice versa. This could mean either/or. Take it as you please.
5. If you aren't happy in a relationship, you don't have to force yourself to stay unhappy. Do the best you can to fix problems, and to be the happiest you can be. If the happiest you can be isn't very happy, then move on.
6. Another similar one, don't run from your problems. If you and your husband or wife get in an argument over which came first, the chicken or the egg, don't divorce over conflicting views. You're allowed to disagree with some things, believe it or not. 
7. Being single has just as many benefits as being in a relationship, so don't think that your life sucks because you don't have a partner. Being single means that you get a whole bed, a whole pizza, and a whole Netflix account to yourself. 
8. Finally, don't just expect love to find you. In the same way, you can't expect happiness, success, fame, money, etc. to just come to you. But, you can't go out looking for it either. See, this is why love is stupid and I'd rather keep my distance. Like a solid twenty feet.

Sharing with friends and commenting is appreciated.

Keep it classy,

Kyle

Embarrassing Stories and Pee-Pee Dancing

So if you know me personally, I am a very open person. I actually share everything. I do not get embarrassed easily. Have a wedgie in public? I'm pulling it right out that crack. I have visible snot? Mucus happens, bitch. Peed my pants at a karaoke party and covered it with hand soap? Yeah, I did that, and I was one goddamn smart 8 year old.

Because of my uncanny confidence, I have tons of stories of my childhood. And awkward/should be embarrassing things I did in it. 

1.   Picture: an 8 year old blonde kid who had about 3 male friends and the rest female. Said kid is me. I was invited to a "Rock N' Roll" themed birthday party in second grade by one of my friends Emily, and I had to go because Emily and I talked like, twice so we were practically best friends. So day of, my mom forgets to get a gift, so before the party, we go to Target. We're out all morning, and we go straight to the party afterwards. So I get to the party and everything's going great! Emily's parents got cardboard cut-outs of guitars and we were to color them in, and then at the end of the party, we'd go on a stage that her dad made in their family room and "play" our guitars while singing karaoke. Cute and DIY and cute!!!!!!!!! So I'm coloring, about three hours until the end of the party and I realize, I have to pee, like real bad. I had this thing where I didn't like to pee unless I was at home with just family or I was in an extremely private and isolated environment. Neither of those were Emily's house. So I held it. At this point, I'm going on 7 hours not using the restroom. I had to make it 3 more hours and I could relieve myself. About an hour later, right before cake, I like REALLY had to go. I did the peepee dance for about half an hour and then suddenly, self-sabotage. I let a lil come out, and the rest started draining. I stood up and RAN to the bathroom. I didn't want to be embarrassed in front of all my best friends who just happened to be girls. So I began to panic. I started crying silently so nobody could hear and I sat in Emily's bathroom on th floor looking at my soaked jeans and Scooby-Doo underpants just makin' a hefty puddle on the floor. I hoped they would dry fast, so I stayed in there for like half an hour. Emily's mom knocked on the door and said, "Hey, Kyle, are you okay in there?" to which I responded by confidently saying "Yuh-huh." She then told me it was time for cake, and to sum it up, I was thinking 'shit i am a mess i kinda want to die.' Lucky for me, my hungry mode kicked in, and at this time, I was starting to gain a lil weight, and cake was like, only my favorite thing ever. So I began to think strategically. I hung the belt loop of my jeans on the knob of a drawer of the sink, and I put toilet paper underneath to catch the droplets. I then used a mixture of hand soap and water on toilet paper to clean up the puddle and flushed it. Then, I took the hand soap and wiped it all around my jeans so it looked like it was all darker and not wet at all (which thinking back was probably very obvious). I had missed the chorus of Happy Birthday by the time I had done my cleaning and prep work, but I got cake and finished my guitar. I refused to sit the rest of the night because I felt bad getting hand soap and pee on furniture, plus I might leave a wet mark, so while everyone did karaoke, I stood in the corner alone, and then at the end, everyone realized I hadn't sung yet, and Emily made me go onstage and we did a duet of Breaking Free from High School Musical. First of all, we slaYED the crowd. All those prepubescent girls saw me as an equal to Troy mothafuckin Bolton. But except, I had secret pee.  I stood in the back corner of the stage, away from everyone though, because it was at this point when I realized that I smelled extremely strongly of Mango Sunshine foam hand soap with a hint of dehydrated pee. I was very stand offish that evening. In the end, it was worth it though, I got a Star Wars Mad Libs book.

2.     As a kid, the elementary kids in the neighborhood all played together. We had a squad before squads were real things. Our group consisted of six different families, and about eleven kids. All eleven of us loved Harry Potter. We were Potterheads, caught in the wizarding world, all of us believing Hogwarts was a tangible place we could go to. And after The Prisoner of Azkaban movie came out, we went full magic-mode and we were obsessed. We always played pretend where we were all characters in Harry Potter. We played all the damn time. Now, because there was eleven 5th grade and younger kids, nobody ever wanted to be the villain, nor did we want to be lame characters. Of course, the eldest got to play the cool, main characters while the younglings, unfortunately me, were to be the lesser known, lesser important characters. This is a time before Luna Lovegood was even a character, before Snape was good, before McGonagall was anything more than a teacher, before Umbridge, before Bellatrix, before a whole lot. We were limited to the characters in the first three movies. Since my best friend and I were the second and third youngest, we had few options remaining. All the good characters were taken like Annie was Moaning Myrtle, Haley was Ginny, Justin was Neville, etc. So my BFF was always Crrokshanks, Hermione's cat. Now, I wanted to be an animal too, so we could be together, but I din't want to be Ron's goddamn rat who not only was a rat, but looked like a rat as a human being. No way, not for me. I also had a major fear of Dobby the House Elf until about fourth grade. So I was at a loss for a good character. So I made up one, as any tyke would do. I became, and I quote, "Hermione's secret bunny that she keeps in her suitcase." What suitcase? Good question. Why a bunny? Cuz I thought bunnies were so goddamn adorable. I tiled my mom's screensaver of a picture of a bunny I took of in our neighbors yard. But that's besides the point. Basically, I was human trash before I hit puberty too, not just after. 

3.     Okay so I think this actually is the weirdest thing I've ever done. Growing up, I was never one for sports. I had a go at soccer, baseball, tennis, basketball, running, you name it, I probably tried it. I gave up after making my parents go insane, and when my brother had baseball games, I'd go in the forest that surrounds the baseball fields and just hang out. I would explore, and I'd count how many squirrels I saw, or I brought a book, or I waked barefoot in the brook, whatever. But after a while, I got bored of all that stuff. Being a natural daydreamer I am, I thought it'd be so cool if I saw someone in the woods, watching me, and I followed them and found out they were raised by deer or some shit and we became the best of friends. Except I wanted to be the forest-dweller raised by deer. So, one day, I saw a Little League baseball team warming up for a game nearby my "secret" entrance, and I found a hole in the leaves and watched them, waiting for someone to spot me through the brush. After about half an hour, I was getting bored, but still determines, so I made myself more obvious, and stuck out a little bit more in a different area. Pretty much just hunched over on a path leading into the woods, watching a bunch of 10 year old boys play catch with each other. One spotted me, and then another and they were confused and they were pointing and I knew I had made a mistake. A grave mistake. I grabbed my bag with the broken strap and I ran, deep into the woods, and hid in the nook between a fallen tree and the brook. I heard a couple kids go past but they didn't find me. I still think about this a lot, and I don't know what I was thinking. I'm weird. But we all knew that, right?

Okay if you enjoyed this post please share and comment, I'd love to see any of your awkward/embarrassing stories :)

Kyle

Accepting What Isn't In Your Control and Confidence

Yes, I wasn't lying. I am actually posting again.

Hi!

Body Positivity. It's a very touchy subject that has been coming up more and more since the majority of planet Earth had an epiphany and realized that they aren't the only ones with insecurities. Because newsflash: everyone has insecurities. 

I, personally, have struggled with insecurities, about my weight in particular, since as early as third grade. Since, I've slimmed out, and whether I believe it or not, I still think people are making fun of me because of my weight/appearance. Anyone who has ever had similar problems, you know that the feeling never really goes away. 

It doesn't necessarily have to be weight someone's insecure about. Maybe they think their feet are too wide, or their teeth are slightly crooked, or their limbs are unproportional to the rest of their body, et cetera. Quite honestly, it's unfair that we are at a point where we're uncomfortable being a human being.

Nobody is perfect. Nobody, yes, even Beyoncé, has never been nervous about things like wearing that pretty dress, or chopping off all their hair, or even down to exposing themselves in a relationship when sex is in the picture. But who decided that you can't wear that pretty dress, or you can't chop off your hair, or you can't enjoy sex? Who said that being you was bad?

Being the kind of person you like, and accepting your flaws, is maybe one of the hardest things you'll ever come to do. I can tell you, it's much easier said than done. It isn't easy to fully grasp it that maybe you won't look like a Victoria's Secret or a Calvin Klein Model, but that doesn't mean you can't be as hot as one. That doesn't mean you can't be as confident and cool as they seem. Everyone is pretty in their own ways and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. 

Plus, nobody's seemed to have thought that fat is actually... normal? Everybody has it, some more than others. Some have it naturally, and some are naturally without it. There's no control over that.

There's no control over certain things in our lives, and that's another hard concept to accept. I've known people who don't like their names, people who don't like their bodies, people who don't like their ethnicity, even. But unfortunately, you can only alter some things to an extent. You can change your body with a lot of hard work, but not be able to enjoy things you used to love. you can get your name changed, sure, but if it were me, I'd almost miss my name because I'e had it for so long. And for ethnicity, well, there's not much one can do. There's just things that are only in the hands of the God you may believe in and the evolution that I believe in. You just need to know that you aren't alone, and you aren't as "horrifyingly ugly" as you believe you are.

Just remember this: your appearance does not define you.  The only thing that defines you is how you act. And no joke, the more confident you act, the more headstrong you seem, the more people will find you attractive, no matter your appearance. It all comes down to state of mind. Be someone people like to be around with a confident state of mind, and you're almost guaranteed happiness.

stay cool, buttheads

Kyle

(P.S. Selfies, while seeming basic and not worth your time, actually help boost self-esteem once you figure out your best angles and your most flattering angle of light. Lookin' hot is never bad.)

Making Amends and Goals

Hey guys-- remember me?

It's a brand new year and a brand new start. No, this does not mean I'll return to posting every other day. No, this does not mean I'm going to post on a regular schedule. This just means that when I need it, I'm here.

But, I am thinking of a new approach to this blog. I like trying to be funny, but posting every other day was hard. And I was running out of ideas. Frankly, I was trying too hard. So I'll do those when I want to laugh. I'll make a good-memory post when I need something to look back on at a time of vulnerability. I'll make honest posts when I need to reveal something, when I'm not comfortable with sharing to a person face-to-face.

I've talked about friends on here who've treated me like shit. John, for example. I was at a party tonight, and John was there. He got there late and when he got there I got extremely anxious and needed to go home. I secluded myself from the party, as I had gotten a ride from a friend. Later throughout the night as I calmed down, John came up to me and was talking to me. It seemed all normal again.

I realized that sometimes no matter how poisonous this friendship was, how queasy it made me, I didn't want to let it go. Why would I want to put up with someone who lied and hid things and unintentionally, emotionally abused me. There was a point where I thought that all my friends were all talking about me, keeping things from me, big, important things. Quite honestly, I still feel this. Frequently. But it's never as bad as it was at that time.

I don't know why I can't seem to let it go. Maybe it's because I've told him so many things about me. Maybe it's because I've never received that kind of intimacy and closeness back, and I'm still waiting for him to give the same to me. Maybe it's because he's the first human that I've known who I've actually shared emotions before. Maybe it's because I think he may be worthy of a second chance. It is a new year, a new beginning, after all.

I bottle up feelings. I hide them. I have anxiety and I've learned to hide it. I like attention, but not in sympathy. I don't like sharing. My parents don't know, my friends don't know, nobody. John is the first person I've ever told and I never got honesty back. But this year, whether it's me coming to terms with it, or me finding someone who I can trust with secrets and fears and feelings of mine, I want to find a confidant. I want someone maybe who faces the same problems as me, whether I know they do or not. I just want someone who will understand me (not to sound like an emo kid) in a way that most don't. Anxiety sucks. 

New Years Day is the day when people make New Years resolutions. They don't need a new year to start working out, or eating healthy, or to come to terms with an ex. But, I like to see it still, as a new start. Yes, I know it's not a literal new start, but it's nice to have that idea in my head that maybe it could be. So I'm not making resolutions. Only plans. I want to forgive and forget. I want to be comfortable emotionally and physically with myself. I want to accept and understand.

I know these won't be the easiest to check off my 2016 to-do list, but it's worth a shot, right?

Signing off, for the time being,

Kyle

I KILLED THREE DUCKS

ya fuckin bitch you believed that??? i got you so good. I killed three geese. i hate geese. fuck the geese. figuratively. 

     Sorry for the big jumps between posts, I'm still struggling, but I enjoy blogging so I do it as much as I can :-))))))

     So I don't have anything to talk about really. I don't know. If you guys have any ideas it's be really neat-o if you left a comment saying what you want me to attempt to teach me how to do something, or to review something, or share my thoughts on some topic that doesn't have to do with anything that I have to think a whole lot about, just hit me up in the comments below. For those of you who don't know how to leave a comment for whatever reason, you click on the title of this post, and then scroll down. If you're on the main page of the blog reading this, you aren't gonna find anything of the comment sort. 

     So I've been going on Webkinz a lot recently?? Is that interesting??? It's totally for nostalgic reasons and not because I genuinely want to play it. (((((add me jamminmonkey12))))) I still have like all 74 of them and I just bought three more at the dollar store because they're a dollar, man. I named them tity, corn, and buttsniff. They're my squad. 

     School is really taking it's toll on me. I found out that I hate it more than I did last year because my teachers SUCK. There's three out of eight that I don't hate. Like, there's five teachers/lunch supervisors (we need supervisors because some kids think its funny to commit vandalism!) that I hate. Like actually despise. Though I still hate her, my French teacher hardcore reminds me of Ms. Darbus from High School Musical. 

     I also discovered I could live on Cherry Coke Zero and Diet Dr. Pepper. :-))))))

Okay that's all I got. Because school has given me 4 hours of sleep so far this week I'm out of any creative ideas that were possible. Leave them in the comments.

Kyle

MY RETURN // HOW TO: WRITE MUSIC

Hi guys. I'm back. :))))))))



     Okay so jumping right into it, I've been thinking a lot about songwriting and music lately as because of my musical theatre history, my singing voice isn't half bad if I do say so myself. Songwriting I've fund is hard AS FUCK. I don't know how people do it. And it's so good. Like dafuq guys share some of that creative juice with the rest of us.

     Now I'm no expert, but I think I may have an idea of how songs are written, I just need to think more creatively. So I'm going to teach you how to do this. And you may want your songs to sound like Ariana Grande or Nicki Minaj or Bruno Mars or the queen Iggy Azalea but guess what: because you're learning this shit from me it's gonna sound like Nickelback.



STEP ONE: The first step in writing your own creative songs is to gather the appropriate supplies. Think of it like a group project at school where your group is awful and they don't help you. So basically a group project at school. If you want to be a singer/songwriter you've gotta have the appropriate tools to sing/songwrite. You need:

• instruments
• paper
• writing utensil(s)
• yourself
• a candle (for the scents)
• a snack for when you want to take a break

With these tools, you're ready to get started on your lyrical journey!

STEP TWO: Keep rhyming in mind. Rhyming isn't key, but guess what: the best songs have rhymes in them. Roar by Katy Perry, How To Be A Heartbreaker by Marina and the Diamonds, The Itsy Bitsy Spider, The Spongebob Theme Song, among others. Now it doesn't necessarily need to be perfect, it can be like whore/sure or butt/boot etc. Honestly, it doesn't even need to rhyme, just be catchy. Rhymes definitely help with the catchy part, but they aren't really necessary per se, but they're a huge bonus to have them.

STEP THREE: Have a story to write about. Did you break up with your boyfriend via email? Did your dog get hit by a car? Did you spill your 5$ Starbucks drink? (Cuz those are damn overpriced that'd be a tragedy.) That's how Taylor Swift does it. If you don't have any stories, like you're 8, maybe, and haven't had any breakups or latte spills, just make up a story. Your boyfriend was killed by your grandmother? New hit song, Daddy Got Killed By Grandma. You're having a rough time dealing with school and bullies? MTV nominating you for Breakout Artist for your song, I'm Having A Hard Time Dealing With School And Bullies. You blew a really big bubble with your gum and it gets in your hair? Your #1 hit single, I'm A Disappointment To My Family makes it big. Good luck.

STEP FOUR: Advertise the shit out of your music. Post it everywhere. Spread the word. Follow people on Twitter and Instagram and once they follow you back, unfollow that bitch. Don't waste your time on the irrelevants. Post self-advertising cocky comments on every YouTube video you watch. Got it? No, don't do any of these things everyone hates you. Just tweet a lot about new musci, and sure you can follow people, but don't be a dumb fuck and unfollow me cuz i'mma unfollow your ass the soonest chance I get. 

STEP FIVE: rake in the cash. give it all to me.

There you go. Don't forget to share this post. The little icons below is how you do that. Don't sniff glue. :-)

Kyle

UPDATE :-(

Hi all.

Yeah, so Miley, what's good?

I know one person likes these posts because you keep visiting. You're great.

Okay so this is not a fun thing to write. I have to take a break. This school year has hit me like a brick. I thought that it'd be a great idea to take a gazillion honors classes again and there's a lot more homework and busy work and stress and then this year I decide to join the school theater program, and continuing the out of school productions through a local theater organization and it's just a lot. I also found out earlier today that my dog has cancer and you guys should know I love dogs, and my dog is the supreme leader of all dogs, and he's only six years old with a terminal illness. I am shattered. He isn't necessarily dying, we just need to keep a very close eye on him. :-((((( And, my social life has gone down a bunch. My online presence is minimal. The worst of it is is that the beginning of last year, for months, I was suicidal. Never did I take action, but there were some serious thoughts. And all of the stress has brought them back. I have to many responsibilities at the moment, and I can't be juggling them all while keeping a blog updated frequently and continuing to have what's left of my social life and my sanity. I'm sorry but I'll have to take a little hiatus. I'm sooooo sorry. I know I don't have a lot of followers, but to those I do have I thank you for reading these awful posts. I'm trying too hard to be funny, and apparently there are some people who like it.

But, though I bring bad news, they're only short term. I WILL be posting again. This break isn't going to last forever. I'm going to take a few weeks to myself to get this whole school year sorted, and then I'm gonna be back. I swear. I swear on my cancerous dog. I love Angus. You best believe I'm gonna post again. I love blogging.

Making light of this year, if you know that chloe lmao girl on Vine, the one who made this, one of the most viewed vines EVER (if not the most viewed ever???):

I found out she goes to my school. First day, I was talking to my friends about her vines and one of my friend's brother's was in one of her old vines. ((((she's really cool in real life)))


Anyways, I hope you understand. I'll be back before the 28th of September, which is my birthday, so I'll be sure to be back before then. Please, don't think this is the end of mrkylepants. It definitely isn't. I want each and every one of you to come back. I think you all are swell. Especially that one impatient person who keeps visiting this blog.



Don't forget to share. If you don't I'll bite you. :)

Kyle

TEEN CHOICE AWARDS FASHION REVIEW

School has gone back in session and I realized I hate my life.



     Hi!! I'm still here!!! It's been a few days!!! But I'm still alive just busy, with school starting again. I had a summer assignment for my English class that I didn't do until just these past few days.

      This has nothing to do with the post but Melanie Martinez's album came out and I'm LOVING it. I'm obsessed. Hot damnnnnnn

      I don't even care if you don't like these types of posts because I fuckin love judging peoples fashion choices. If you're gonna look like a character from Inside Out to an awards show ya damn right am I gonna talk about it.

Bella Thorne!! She looks like she just came from a middle school production of The Little Mermaid!!! CUTE!!!

Is there like a  disney middle school musical theme going on here because shes looking like Sally from Nightmare Before Christmas. CUTE.

Britney Spears what are you doing there??????? Also Britney came with her children. Her son hasn't seen that much boob (nor should he ever again) since breastfeeding. 

See there's one of the two twins. And then her niece. Who may possibly be my spirit animal. Look at that face. 

Bea Miller. She has that Fire & Gold song?? That's what it's called I think????? She is SLAYING. She looks GREAT. HOT DAMN. WORKIN IT. 

She's wearing a map on her legs. Just a large map. Every high school social studies classroom has one. The huge giant maps. That is what she is adorning on her legs. 

who

who

but can i mention is it possible to have more than one spirit animal because look at them

Wiz Khalifa and... a child??? Who is that???? And also you're looking like a drunk getting a lapdance at 2am.

Ok I like Rita Ora bt she be lookin like she's doin some roleplay and she's a stripper petending to be a business woman. Her and Wiz Khalifa did go have a recording session after the tcas... a """""recording"""" session. They probably just recorded some music. 

Lindsey Stirling!!! The X Factor reject who proved Simon wrong. I love her. She has a Zooey Deschanel style minus the Zooey Deschanel. And brownie points for OVERALLS. CUTE.

Nash Grier first of all ew Nash Grier and second dude you're like 15 years too late. JT and Britney did the denim outfits a loooooong time ago. You look like a HoBO. 

Nina Dobrev... loos=ks like she has some spunky colored seatbelts wrapped around her. Fashion.

Grace Helbig weeeeee I love her as you probably know. She looks great, she has a great style. And shoutout to E! for bein a sassy shit towards her on Twitter. She handled it like a muthafuckin boss. E! slammed like all of the YouTubers at the even so I kinda hate them a lil right now. They said it's a joke but it didn't seem like one. So, that's a lot of people who kinda hate you now, E!! hope grace gets a season two!! hehpleaseCUTE!

This is Willow Shields the little girl from Hunger Games. Stripes Stripes Stipes Stripes Stripes. No, honey. 

Zendaya. I always do Zendaya in these because she usually rocks the red carpet, or in this case blue carpet, but now she's looking a bit like a flamenco dancer. With Slave Leia's hair from the 6th Star Wars movie. I don't know if I'm digging it or nah. But that Angelina leg thoooooo

     Okay that's all of the one's I'm doing for the TCA's if you think I missed any please leave a comment below and I may either post it on my twitter @mrkylepants or I'll just edit and add it to this post. If you liked this post or you know who the actual fuck is in those two pictures pass this along to your friends!! If you don't know see if your friends know!! And then comment who!!! BEcause I have no clue!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MirandaSings won a TCA and that's the important part

Kyle

5 WAYS TO END YOUR ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS

     Hi friends I have returned. I took a spontaneous vacation because I am spontaneous and cool.



     So if you've read these posts for a while you may know that I am currently in a production of 13 and I have the role of Archie. Now if you know that show, you may remember that memorable scene where Archie and Brett accidentally kiss. Yeah well I have to do that. It's awkward because there has to be tongue, as that's what Brett's part of the story is based around. I am an awful story teller so this probably makes zero sense, but basically I have to sloppy kiss another dude in front of 200 people and my grandmother. COOL.

     Sloppy kissing made me realize that kissing is actually kinda gross. Like with tongue and shit. I don't think I like someone else's saliva in my mouth. But that's my opinion. This made me think even more, which is a rarity for me. How many people have broken up because of sloppy kissing? Do people actually like it? Instead of finding out something that reminds me of the time my dog drooled in my mouth (that's another story for another time) I decided to come up with reasons/ways to break up with someone. There's 5 of them. Because society says that 5 is like a "standard" number.



1. The Grammar Nazi. You think your significant other is slow? Mentally challenged? Stupid? Be a bitch. Be the bitchiest bitch. Be me from birth to preteen years. The bitchiest of the bitchy bitch botch. Bitch. And if they are actually slow, they'll think this is a valid reason for breaking up. So... bonus.

"Hey, where are my keys?"
"I though I saw you're keys in the kitchen"
"Your* ya dumb shit"

RELATIONSHIP OVER

2. The Tech. Their not-up-to-date electronics. You shouldn't have to deal with the shit your partner puts you through because they don't even have iOS 8 yet.* You don't deserve that. You're better than that. You deserve someone who has iOS 8.4.1. But, if you're dating Zooey Deschanel and they only own vintage electronics, that's your call. 

"What the fuck, my iPhone 4 isn't working again"

"Maybe you should ask Siri about that, oh right, you can't."

"Awh"

"Call me when Apple Music is on your cellular device."

*Note I have no fucking clue about Androids and other irrelevant smartphones so tailor this to your pleasing.

RELATIONSHIP OVER

3. The Dahmer. You may know the stories revolving the serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer, you may also recognize his name as it makes a cameo in a Ke$ha song. Anyways, imagine. You and your date have a great time at dinner and the movies even though you noticed your date was looking at everyone walking in the theater. After your first date, they ask, "Do you wanna come to my place?" You're feeling frisky like the cat food, so you oblige. They open the door and you look in, only to realize almost all of their furniture is leather, sewed together in patches. There's red pools on the couch, but you disregard it as they said they really enjoyed red wine. You get to the bedroom and it smells of rotting flesh. You then realize it's probably you. You forgot to shower. Again. Dammit, you. They laugh at your shower dilemma, they think it's a joke. You both strip and do some foreplay. You find they're into some kinky shit. Then, penetration occurs. But its not pp-to-vj penetration. Your partner has stuck a knife into your skull.

*I'm not a serial killer. And this got dark fast. Even though reading this may terrify you and believe this. I am a cereal killer. I love cereal. It's called The Dahmer because I really like that Ke$ha song.

 RELATIONSHIP LIFE OVER

4. The Vegetarian. Ladies, are you having suspicions your man is gay? (Or your lady friend is straight I'm not judging) How about you choose to both go vegetarian for a week be hush-hush about it. So they know but they won't remember after a day. Monitor your meals. You do that, and monitor his (or hers), too. Don't mention this plan during the week. When they go on a night out, ask them what they had for dinner. 

"Hey, honey! How was it?"

"Wow, Hank and I had a great time!"

"What'd you guys eat?"

"Meat."

"Well shit man we vegetarians you gettin the D lmaooooooooooooo"

RELATIONSHIP OVER

5. Finally, The Truther. Remember that Drake & Josh episode where Drake says "I'm not a liar!" and then Josh says "Well you aren't a truther!" Well guess what today you are a Truther. You go up to them and tell them why you hate their guts and have had thoughts of murder. Damn, what is with me and violent death today?????????????????/????? ?

"Hey, babe, we need to talk."
"Yeah, what's up."
"I hate that you don't want to do anal and I've had thoughts of murder because of it."

RELATIONSHIP OVER

     And there you go that's 5 bad reasons/ways to break up with your significant other. Have a blast with them.

     If you enjoyed this post somehow, please share this blog, there are links below and also follow me on Twitter @mrkylepants! If you liked this post or you know someone who has an iPhone 4 still please pass along this post to them and your other buddies. Leave a comment below of your irrational breakup stories. If you don't have one, make one up! I have not dated a serial killer. For that matter I haven't dated.

Okay I gotta go get coffee with my psychologist so we can figure out why the FUCK I'm mentioning serial killers and murder so much. COOL.

NOTE: I had to edit this because I didn't like the creepy murder part. I censored it. 

Kyle

UNDISCLOSED POST TYPE: SHITTY FRIENDS

Hi.

     Now I noticed that not all my posts can be as pitifully comical as usual. There are sometimes when I go SprinkleofGlitter mode. But because I consider myself pitifully comical, I'm gonna add some funnies in. And I'm going to call it something as soon as I think of a clever name. So for now, Undisclosed Post Type.


     I found out over the summer that one of my friends is going to a therapist for depression. And I think a branch of this is him getting rid of friends. If you've read this blog for not long you may have seen me mention John. John. Alan, and I were inseparable for the first half of the last school year, and then things started getting funny. And not even like the good kind. John started becoming distant, rude, and always making excuses not to hang out. Let's copy some texts he's sent us in our group chat.

"oh I forgot. my neighborhood is coming over for a party tonight. srry 😅"

"Nah I cant tonight. My cat has cancer 😹"

"No, sorry, my neighbor shot his hand and was in the hospital, and while he was therem found out he had internal bleeding that had been there for months. He died there. I have to help get the furniture out of his house so my mom can sell it."

     Funny enough, that last one turned out to be true. His mom really is a realtor and his neighbor did have that fateful hospital visit. Yikes.

     Even if that was real, he lies so often. He started hanging out with people we didn't like, and we managed. Then he started to make excuses that sound like he pulled them from his ass. I know one sign of depression is not wanting to hang out with friends, not wanting to do things you used to love, but I mean we'll text him really serious things and he won't respond, and then he'll turn the conversation three days later about how his mom is a bitch or how his brother is a disgusting homophobic racist republican piece of absolute fucking shit. At least John has the right view on political topics. But apparently he doesn't care about any other topics.

     Then, as I was trying to think of something to write about, I texted him if he wanted to go to a Melanie Martinez concert next month. I love Melanie Martinez, and he does too. Tickets are super cheap too. So, I asked him, and he replied "Mmm idk I like Melanie but idk if I wanna see a concerts ://" First of all, what the fuck did you just say, and second she's amazing live, and third whyydid you use "://". I was taken aback. John and I always talk about Melanie, and we've been talking about seeing her live when I discovered her last year. And now he's saying this??? At least fake excitement, and make up an excuse that you can't because you have something going on that day. Like it's your aunt's birthday or something. Or a wedding. Or SOMETHING.

     As I write this, John and Alan are talking in my group convo and Alan has John's birthday present that didn't come in the mail in time for his party, and Alan wanted to make sure John was home when he gave it to him. Reasonably. But, John made another goddamn awful excuse not to even see Alan. "I have a doctors appointment for my knee. I scratched it." HIS KNEE,,,, HE SCRATCHED IT>>>??"!<RK

     Okay, I'm using this blog to blow off steam. And talk about one of my shitty friends. I want to know if you have any shitty friends. Now hopefully John didn't find this blog. If he did-- John what the fuck are you doing. You're like Miley to Hannah, except instead of being a pop star it's being a little bitch. Please stop.

     I want to know if you have shitty friends. Comment down below if you have any shitty friends. Tell me about them. Are they declining your every request to hang out, go places, do shit, etc.? Tell me. Leave a comment below.

     If you somehow enjoyed this post, bookmark this blog and follow my Twitter @mrkylepants for mostly reasons why I'm not uploading and the occasional butt joke. If you liked this post and you have a shitty friend like John, send this to them. Let them know how much of a MileyStewart-to-Bitch they're being. Cool. Good luck keeping your friendship stable in the slightest.

i hate shitty friends

kyle